There is a huge mountain in front of me,
I start climbing it,
The mountain in front of me seems gigantic and impossible to climb,
I start climbing the mountain in front of me,
I find a place to grip,
Digg my fingers into the rock,
Find a place to put my feet so that I can climb higher and higher,
At times feel like I am going to fall off the mountain,
At times, this task feels impossible since there is so much pain inside,
so many emotions,
At times all I can do is cry,
tear things apart,
It’s taking everything I have to climb this mountain,
It’s taking so much to face all of the demons inside of me,
It taking so much to heal from so much trauma,
The mountain before me seems impossible to climb,
There are other people higher on the mountain that reach out their hand to me
I grab their hand and know that I do not have to do this allow,
When I feel like quitting they tell me I can’t,
They tell me that they are there for me,
Do not give up,
It’s okay to feel your feelings,
It’s okay to allow the tears to come out,
It’s okay to be enraged,
It’s okay to rest,
Remember to do self-care,
I know you are feeling so much pain,
It’s okay to say, I am exhausted,
Be there for me and allow another to hold you on this journey of healing,
I listen to them and allow them to be there for me,
The tears coming from my eyes like waterfalls cleansing my pain and soul,
I will get through this.
It’s one day a time,
Sometimes one minute at a time,
Sometime one second at a time,
Know that you are loved,
That you are not allow,
You can lean on me,
You can call me anytime,
I am there and I will listen to what you have to say,
I believe you,
I support you,
I am a Warrior,
I am strong.
It’s going to be alright.
I will get to the top.
I will be free .
My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,
When I stopped hurting myself,
When I made a decision to ask for help and
found my way to Artemis Rising
When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and
Started to tell my story.
I started to put the shame where it belonged
On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.
When I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did to me,
When I started to talk about the retaliation that occurred.
When I started to talk about how the chain of command emotionally abused me
When I started to talk about the nightmares and flashbacks,
When I started to talk about the deep betrayal that I have felt,
When I started to talk about the grief that I feel,
I started to let all of the tears to come out and
Realized that crying is being strong and healing.
I started to talk about how hurt I was when
They did nothing even after he admitted to
Raping me in an email.
I admitted that I wanted to kill myself,
I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress
I allowed myself to tell my story and
Allowed myself to feel my feelings.
I allowed myself to say the words that
I needed to say out loud.
Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam
With support from the women in Nia,
I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body
That I did not have to stay out of my body,
That I was safe coming back to myself,
That I could love my body again,
The connection was made
That it is safe for me to be in my body and
To love myself,
That I can express my true feelings
That I can sound and tell my truth
Every day I keep showing up,
Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,
Keep fighting and admitting my truth,
Keeping allowing the feelings to come out,
I have the courage to face my demons,
I have the courage to ask for help,
I have the courage to be vulnerable and
Express my true feelings.
I will not give up,
They are not going to win,
They have taken enough from me
And I reclaiming who I am every day.
I am a peaceful Warrior who is discovering
Who I am after so much was taken away from me.
Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have
Been reinventing myself by choosing to
Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,
As part of this training, I learned that I care
About myself enough to have self-compassion
For myself and others.
Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe
to feel what I feel and express what I feel
To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh
To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me
And to keep pushing through all of the pain.
That I have a choice,
That it is my birthright to love myself,
To have compassion for myself,
To love my body and to be in my body,
That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.
I have found my way back to my body and to myself
I am being gentle with myself.
I am listening to the voices of my body,
I am loving myself and
Continuing to heal one day at a time.