Not my shame, a poem about putting shame where it belongs, speaking truth and Julie has become an empowered warrior who has broken the chains.
My healing process continues as I continue to do EMDR, go to pelvic floor physical therapy, do Reiki Jin Kei Do, and Nia. Everything changed for me after I was raped at 11, then everything changed again when I was 19 and raped by two men at University of Cincinnati. When I lived in Columbus, I was raped again and did not even bother to go to the police since I knew I would be the one that was blamed and treated like I was the one that committed a crime.
I enlisted in the Navy, thinking that serving my country would be some how different. I brought into the commercials and the values of Honor, Courage, Commitment, Country, Duty, shipmate, and etc. I never expected to be raped by a fellow service member. I never expected to be emotionally abused and retaliated against for reporting being raped to the chain of command. I did not expect to lose my career while the chain of command went out of there way to protect, promote and excuse a rapist.
In 2013, I did not expect to be called a liar after the rapist connected me in an email and straight up admitted to what he did. I will never forget answering the telephone, the special agent saying to me, “You are lying. We do not care what he admitted to in his email. We have to know who all you slept with and about any reports you made.” I screamed what the fuck does that have to do with what he admitted to in black and white in a damn email. I cussed even more and more and threw my cellphone across the room shattering it into pieces. Then I sat on the floor outside my closet and sobbed for hours.
I contacted Kay Hagan and went off. We went on vacation to Lake Lure. The IRS hearings were going on at that time and some of my friends were testifying on Capital Hill. The Senate Armed Forces Committee took a vote and decided to keep the chain of command involved in rape cases. I became so enraged that when I got home from vacation, me and one of my friends sent our service medals to the Senate. I could not believe that these idiots sided with the chain of command that DOES NOTHING ABOUT RAPE AND NEVER WILL. Also, that is when I wrote my first book, The Boulders In My Life That Shaped My Journey.
I am tired of people not listening, not caring and dismissing what I have to say. I have wrote several poems that are on You Tube. Vagina is one of my latest pieces that I have written.
Before I ever got a chance to truly
know you and accept you,
You were ripped away from me,
I became terrified of you,
I dissociated from you and wanted nothing to do with you,
I learned to hate you over and over again,
as you were taken away from me many more times,
I learned that you were not part of my body
and that you did no belong to me,
As I continue on my healing journey,
I am learning just how sacred you are.
I am learning that you are not dirty,
That I do not need to be ashamed or fearful of you,
I am connecting to you and learning how sacred you are,
how magnificent you are,
I am breathing deep into you,
There is nothing that I need to be ashamed or fearful
of any more.
I am healing you,
I am showering you with love and
starting to accept my sexuality,
You are part of me,
You are sacred
We become one,
We become whole.
Being raped six times has changed me forever. I want nothing to do with men. I do not connect with my pelvis. I do not want any doctor to ever do a pelvic examination on me since that triggers memories.